Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Blur: the lost year.

How it got to be December and how I managed to go two months without a single good blog post is a little baffling to me. Time flies, but this year seems to have vanished. The changes that have happened amidst that woosh are just as baffling. The kid has begun growing up in ways that have brought their own surprises. We lost a cat and gained a puppy. I lost a fiancée and gained back some parts of myself that had been submerged. I discovered the hell of PTSD and the beginning of healing. I remembered lessons I'd forgotten. We revisited places I haven't seen in 20 years and saw friends I haven't seen in longer than that. I learned important lessons about partnership, friendship, and being good to the world in general. And I continue to tackle lessons and changes that have been years in the making.

At the risk of hyperbole, I can fairly say that the past year has been a period of more growth and lessons than any other period of change in my 41 years.

I had originally planned to write this post about the lessons and mistakes, but it seems redundant to cover what has already been covered in therapy and to a lesser extent on here. Some day, I may fill in the blanks, but I need a little more perspective on all that has happened before I can truly understand all that has been taken away and handed to me.

For now, what I am doing is working harder — working harder at business and work, at being a patient parent, at being a partner, at being a friend, at finishing the things I start and keeping the promises I make, at being stronger and more disciplined, and at asking for help when I need it.

As we kick into the holidays, I will likely be saying a lot of thank-yous to friends who stuck by us through everything, to partners who called me on my failings, to people I hurt because I had lost my way in one fashion or another. Mostly, I am grateful that life sometimes has room for second chances.