Sunday, February 03, 2008

PTSD updates

The odd thing about the psychological after-effects of the shooting is that they seem to have very little to do with actual physical discomfort. They also rarely come with the shocking realization that I was shot or that I was one inch from death. Now, the impact is subtler.

It comes at moments as happened this weekend when I realized that I was taking my first real hike with Reilly since just before the shooting. Or over the past couple of weeks when I realized that the last creative project I did went to press the week before the shooting. What comes from these parallel realizations is the recognition of how stuck I have been in the past ten months.

And it's not even in big ways such as these. No. It's in small moments when I stall out, when I don't know what I'm supposed to do next or why. This is beyond flashbacks. It's deeper, subtler, and in some ways scarier.

There are also the moments--and these are often lately--that I find myself touching the entry and/or exit scars. The action is absent-minded, but it is a reflection of the fact that I never--for a single minute of any day--forget that I was shot. It never goes away, dammit.